the sad, frustrated girl exclaims....no other man could be him & she wants her old man back

characters mentioned: Alpaca 🙄 (back to back) & Giggles 😛💋🙈 ( crush psychosis ) TW: i do know this is a down bad moment but honestly what can girl do, girlbosses have their weak moments too to be honest with you guys this was supposed to be an audio entry which i recorded on sunday but i was listening to it rn and due to the overly oversharing i knew that if i posted it i would have had a panic attack later at the fact that people heard me emotionally express myself in that way aka (down bad) i still want to share my feelings on this topic obvi!🙄 as this can work for therapy for me and help me with self expression 😛 i think??? and also bc i want to somehow let it out and give an update!!! and bc i feel like by writting it i can manipulate the wording and not seem that vulnerable, just a sharing story XD :p ok so let's start off by giving an Alpaca update, i don't like him, i know i said either way it was just to be friends and stuff but a couple weeks ago he asked me a couple of questions about the time back in April when he told me to try again. he asked why i said no to which i replied that i felt he still saw the 2019 situation as somehting fixable when it was actually terrible and we would have needed to start back from scratch like completetly and then he was like "oh yea that's what i meant, if i would have been clear what would you have said" to which i replied "idk maybe to start hanging out and see how we feel" which yes its true but not completetly, since i was still waiting very much on Giggles i would have prob said no. then he said "okay let's hang out then" so ig i signed myself up for trying again??? and i honestly did not mind i was like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ so i ended up being the one basically trying to see him and he always had an excuse.last time being this saturday so idk i was over it, its his personality that does not matches mine, confusing energy, u never know what to expect but not in a mysterious cool way, late responses for no reason bc i reply to the second unless im not on my phone which rarely. but yea idk ig i just got tired and annoyed especially bc i knew it idk why i went with it, im good with being friends with him but not to try anything romantic related again. so on sunday i woke up to all these thoughts after him not responding the night before and i just had to face the truth smh 😔🤦‍♀️🙄 but i still very much like Giggles i know i know its not the best thing to say rn due to his current situation but guys idk this has been genuinely the only guy i've ever truly liked my romantic experiences have always felt the same, heavy, foggy , confusing, complicated, anxious, forced, uncomfortable, lack of trust, and having a deep feeling of knowing its the wrong person for you or knowing that it won't work out yet ignoring it. this was the first time that it was completetly different, the energy was very light, comfortable, cozy vibes, the color light blue, very flowing, right, pleasant, clear, perfect example would be this one close your eyes, u go into your bedroom, bed is made with freshly clean bed sheets, the air is cold very chilli, you are wearing the best comfy hoodie ever with the best pajama sweatpants, u snuggle into your bed and get cozy with your fav blanket, lights are dim or just tv lights, you are watching your fav comfort show or movie while its raining in the background and u eat your fav food ever and then u take an amazing refreshing nap and wake up very cozy and comfortable. well that's deadass how it felt girl he was also the first boy ever to invite me on a date anyways also i know what i mentioned on the crush psychosis entry ab getting over it in like 2 days, i don't think i explained that correctly, i meant that i have always grieve a heartbreak for a really long time and since this was actually the first time i genuinely like someone it was very surprising to me that i did not grieved it for long in matter of fact i got this sense of tranquility, i feel very relaxed and confident and trusting about it and i don't know why, the best as i can explain it is like a wave and being guided by a current yet i feel like the emotions of tranquility, confidence and trust are not coming from me but from something else ik it's sounds like "girlllll bffrrrrr u are just in love"🙄 but girlllll i swear idk and idk how to explain it either and ik it's gonna sound SO cliche but i actually have never felt like this GUYS I KNOW THIS SOUNDS SOOOOO BASIC OMG SO CRINGE IK IKIKIK 😭 its a very different and interesting feeling that little heartbreak moment needed to happen tho bc i everytime i start liking someone my 100% focus, energy and thoughts is/for them, like i totally forget that i also have a life and that i need to constantly put as much energy into myself too, so after the 2 days i was like "girl wtf are u doing go get your shit together you will figure this out later" and so thats what i did i got my shit together now what🙄 i feel like im waiting yet i dont feel like im making myself wait im just like naturally waiting, it sounds like bullshit all of these ik but girl i dont understand it either ik it sounds so fake but it's really not!!😭 idk how to explain this connection did showed me many things one of them being the most important thing that it could have shown me that was my own self worth, it was so good i could not believe it was lit happening to me, over the past 3 years i've focused on my inner healing 100000% thats why i completetly disconneceted with my love life and making connections, i've worked so hard and manifested what i want into my love life, i have a list/test of characteristics that i want in a partner and it goes in detail to every single thing, i also have specific detailed rules. this guy checked off almost all if not all of the boxes, it was insane, so having that manifestation come to life in a way was like there's no way this is real and ofc self sabotage was a challenge, at times made me question if i truly deserved what i was experiencing, which i now know that i do 100% and that im so worthy for a connection/person like that especially bc of all the hard work that i've put on myself these past years but yea guys 🙄 ig we'll see, i'll keep you guys updated! 😛 ( for giggles only: giggles imy 😛 u are mad goofyy 🤭🤣😂😛 thank you, keep boybossing ily king 💋 ) pls come back 🤭😅 -mariahcareyxoxo

MY THOUGHTS ARE FINALLY FREED

hi grasshoppers, i know this initially was for strangers to find but yoloooo i put it on my IG patience is a virtue that i don't have, and i couldn't wait for people to find this and keep my anonymity #breakingfree hopefully i get some validation for my thoughts soon !

#servingcunt

THE ICK (revealing my biggest ick)

hello grasshoppers! today's topic is THE ICK, this is the definition of the ick for the ones that are not familiar with the term. Something someone does that is an instant turn-off for you, making you instantly hate the idea of being with them romantically. there's this one thing that idk but i can't get over, this is probably the biggest ick a guy can do, yet i understand how bad it is to think this is an ick. today was the first time i ever said it outloud but a big ick to me is when men show the feeling of excitement or enjoyment ik this sounds terrible bc these are lit natural human emotions but guys i dont know why i cant. examples: a guy singing to his fav song outloud, jumping of excitement (unironically), yelling of excitement, showing physical reactions to winning like for example if he's on a playstation game and wins and proceeds to exclaim words like "YES LET'S GOOO" combine with a body reaction i'll simply leave the room. basically men showing happiness idk if my brain relates this to being inmature?? idk again i understand how this is wrong and i need to work on myself but 😭 also this is a deeper analysis but this might be rooted from something else, since i also find myself getting the ick when i show the same emotions to a man, like i get the ick for myself if someone relates to this pls lmk and if u are studying or a certfied psychologist please psychoanalyze me i want to hear your opinions either way i'l talk to my therapist about it and i'll let you guys know i guesss in the meantime i'll continue to be better ig 🙄 -mariahcareyxoxo side note( im done writting this entry but my friend just told there is def trauma behind this)

BACK TO BACK

hello sexy grasshoppers !! ok so this weekend i sent my first “wyd” text ever 🤭 ok so back in 2019 I had this little “fling” with this guy that we will name "Alpaca" and the timing as the worst! both of us were in our healing era, he was struggling with a weed addiction and hated his mom, dropped out of hs, and recently got out of a years long relationship so timing was terrible along the years he has reached out to apologize and try again, last time being this april, but as you guys know i was crushing over my now sadly taken man which now we would call "Giggles", and also idk i did not felt like trying again with him but we said we would stay as friends. then we talked again in august, so now current time, my bff and i always struggle to have plans and go out bc we dont have friends and we always say that one day we should randomly text someone and just hang out with them so thats what we did, she dared me to text Alpaca and so i did we ended up seeing him that weekend and this is how it went so when we were at his gate i started freaking the f out like full on anxiety attack, i was shaking, sweating and a weak stomach moment, many of u would be like "girl u are so dramatic frrrrrr smh" but guys 1: i have not seen him in 3 years 2: its not like we talk often 3: this is the wildest thing i've done in a while deadass. so at this moment i wanted to leave i told my friend that i was scared asf and then she was like girl im peeing my pants so seeing her nerveous too was very comforting so ty sm bff then we were driving around the houses bc we were not ready but then he called me saying that he saw us and then he got in the car. the first thing i did was give him his gift i got for him as a hi gift i got him a cereal box from the KAWS collection bc he loves KAWS he loved it wtv then we talked and guys it was actually really nice, he's so changed (for the better) he doesn't smoke much now, loves his mom, goes to college, he does music so he's coming out with an album and its actually good music, he also invited us to the listening party and thats so slay and he told me that i could hop on a trackkkk thats so slayyyyyyyy the only thing he failed to do was hold my feet which was actually pretty disapointing but besides that he lit ATE and SLAYED i had so much fun and he did text me after too, we have been talking ever since had fun & i would see him again is this my rory & jess moment??!!! ugh omg so far there's not a romantic interest from my part which i kinda wish there was like i might be crushing a bit but sadly nothing that affects my day... also remember guys that i dont do hookups, im not a member of the hookup culture so there's was not any physical interaction and there's not gonna be one unless i start to developing feelings again anyways im glad i went and had a good time and that i saw he's way better now i feel like i need to be more open to stuff like this so i made a list of random ppl to hang with -mariahcareyxoxo

MILK IT

Hello grasshoppers, good morning is currently 8:35am i thought you should all know anyways so starting off with today's topic recently my friend put me on to this term "MILK IT" and this have made me realize that based off this term is how i want to experience my life rn because doing certain things at 20s its just NOT the vibe certain experiences are only meant to be experienced in your TEENAGE YEARS so ill tell you guys more about it but before ill give you the meaning of the term in case some of you did not know "taking more time or advantage than you're really due because you can get away with it." - urban dictionary you can apply this to every aspect of your life. such a great time to make mistakes, failing, trying, and be unapologetic thats why heartbreaks are such a good thing to have on your teenage years and most of the time ofc we dont see it this way because no one likes a heartbreak ofc, and i realized this 2 days ago after i found out the guy from crush psychosis (Giggles) got the gf but kept talking to me (after our fall out) so i was like omg i cant believe i was lied to smh never talking to any man again fuck this i hate men all of them lie extremely disappointed" but then i quickly realized that the gf got it worse bc shes the gf ofc and bc shes ab to be 24 and mid 20s people are trying to find something stable and reliable and durable also you are working and building a life maybe some of your friends are even getting married, you thinking about the future and you have way more responsibilities so having to struggle with stuff like this mid 20s seems really hard in the other hand me a silly just turned 19 year old can romanticize this situation mascara running down her face, doesn’t eat, isolates, lana del rey, impulsive and immature decisions etc so u can exploit this life lesson in the best young way possible there's so much to learn when you are young like this that its needed to romanticize any lesson life gives you at any age but especially during the teenage years where you have no consequences you can lit start a business rn and risk it, you can drop out school and try something new you can do so many things since we dont have as much responsibilities as a mid 20s would have and get away with it u can go wild 😛 and thats so cute i love teenage years ughhhhhh soooo katy perry anyways so start milking every aspect of your life RN!!! -mariahcareyxoxo

DEBATING IF I SHOULD MAKE MYSELF BETTER OR WORSE

hello sexy grasshoppers!! a couple weeks ago i went through a 48 hour heartbreak 😔💔 and this has been the fastest ive gotten over a situation it usually takes up to 1 year 1/2 either way my brain went to the same process and got to THE hardest question of every heartbreak "should i make myself better or worse" this question can be extremely debatable since both sides have their cons and pros so lets make a list!! :D BE BETTER PROS * healing and growing its the best revenge a girl can have * has long lasting effects * gets you better things * makes you feel better in the long run * great comeback * always the victim never the villain BE BETTER CONS * the process hurts * it takes a long time to heal * ups and downs BE WORSE PROS * feels good in the moment * great feeling of rush * a sense of confidence * aesthetic * great songs to post yourself to * builds ego BE WORSE CONS * temporary feeling * not bringing u to ur highest self * no a good comeback * u might end up being the bad guy MY choice everytime so far has been being better BUT the tentation of being worse is DEF there personally i always want to keep my good girl persona bc ive noticed they regret it worse after and bc im actually good girl and the villain aesthetic looks a little too force on me bc ik i cant be the bad guy im 1000% victim aesthetic idc what u have to say ab it i rather be the victim than the bad guy that way i DONT get karma so even if i get hurt ik theres better out there so i dont mind getting hurt at this point if this is coming out as pick me girl IM SO SORRY THATS NOT WHAT I MEAN AT ALL so i hope everyone gets my point!! smhhh🙄 anyways !!! what are ur thoughts idk how to get views on here :p -xoxomariahcarey

START GASLIGHTING YOURSELF!

Ive been watching thewizardliz and shes the fucking goat if u havent seen her videos idk wtf u are doing, get your ass up and play those videos right now wtv she basically talks ab how to reinvent yourself and create a whole new persona and to stop being fugly. the other day i was watching one of her videos and she was talking ab the law of assumption and that you basically need to think that u are the shit or that everyone is obssesed w u and it will lit happen and let me tell u that the law of assumption is SO real! and thats smth ive realized this year when i had my first crush ever i was so doubtful ab if he was gonna be attracted to me or not that i was lit having a REAL LIFE CASSIE moment like i was deadass waking up at 5AM doing my FULL ON face of makeup which i didnt do before, i bought NEW uniform shirts for them to fit my tits better, i changed my SCHOOL pants to fit SKINNY ASF and make it show my fat ass, i started straighten my hair EVERYDAY, started wearing BIG HOOPSS?????????!!!!!!!!! I HAD NEVER WORN BIG HOOPS WHY BIG HOOPS??? i started acting differently i changed everything wtv i was lit going crazy and obsessed look perfect and conventionlly attractive also i had a big influence from my best friend at the time bc he used to tell me that i needed to draw his attention to my body and thats how i was gonna get my crush to like me bc my face wasnt it likeeeeeee girllllll way out of pocket why would u tell me that so that also got in my head and make me even more insecure ab it wtv fast forward he ended up rejecting me and I was DEVASTATEDDDDDDDDD but after that my mind shifted without me knowing like idk it was lit my subconcious but the boys i liked after i NEVER doubted that they would have feelings for me girl and every man i wanted every man i got and still to this day im convinced i can make anyone fall in love with me and this year its when i realized that i switched my mindset without me even knowing now everytime im interested in someone i never think like "omg would they like me" now its a "ofc they are gonna like me why wouldnt they like me??? im amazing" and i think that mindset its so slay and it always works this goes with any aspect of life too like just gaslight yourself fr just be convinced of things that u want to happen and they will lit happen ALSO DO NOT LET ANYBODY LIMIT YOUR DESIRES !!! I lit have the description of my future bf in my head like for example the other day i was at target with a friend and i saw this witchy book that was so cute and so me and i told her "omg my future bf WILL DEF buy this for me" like girl im lit so sure and she goes "he prob dont men dont get it like we do" like no girl u dont get it my future bf its not like other men thats why im gonna be dating him like idk how to explain it but he would just get it like every trait i want in a partner my bf will have, why? well bc thats what i deserved bc ive worked on myself so long to get to a higher self that i need someone to match that same energy level u know? thats why when ppl say things like life sometimes gives u things differently maybe he will be different with traits u might not like yet u are in love like girlll no the universe will give u what u want, what you have worked for, your desires lit wtv u want u CAN GET lit that easy (w some work ofc) but the universe will always give u exactly what u want and for what you have worked for and for what you have desired and if not then it will give you something better SOMETIMES BEING "REALISTIC" ITS SETTLING u can always go for more, be better, be bigger, get better things, there's no limit so switch that mindset RN!! u can get anything u want lit just believe it -xoxomariahcarey ps if there's any typos im sorry but im too lazy to reread this