the sad, frustrated girl exclaims....no other man could be him & she wants her old man back

characters mentioned: Alpaca 🙄 (back to back) & Giggles 😛💋🙈 ( crush psychosis ) TW: i do know this is a down bad moment but honestly what can girl do, girlbosses have their weak moments too to be honest with you guys this was supposed to be an audio entry which i recorded on sunday but i was listening to it rn and due to the overly oversharing i knew that if i posted it i would have had a panic attack later at the fact that people heard me emotionally express myself in that way aka (down bad) i still want to share my feelings on this topic obvi!🙄 as this can work for therapy for me and help me with self expression 😛 i think??? and also bc i want to somehow let it out and give an update!!! and bc i feel like by writting it i can manipulate the wording and not seem that vulnerable, just a sharing story XD :p ok so let's start off by giving an Alpaca update, i don't like him, i know i said either way it was just to be friends and stuff but a couple weeks ago he asked me a couple of questions about the time back in April when he told me to try again. he asked why i said no to which i replied that i felt he still saw the 2019 situation as somehting fixable when it was actually terrible and we would have needed to start back from scratch like completetly and then he was like "oh yea that's what i meant, if i would have been clear what would you have said" to which i replied "idk maybe to start hanging out and see how we feel" which yes its true but not completetly, since i was still waiting very much on Giggles i would have prob said no. then he said "okay let's hang out then" so ig i signed myself up for trying again??? and i honestly did not mind i was like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ so i ended up being the one basically trying to see him and he always had an excuse.last time being this saturday so idk i was over it, its his personality that does not matches mine, confusing energy, u never know what to expect but not in a mysterious cool way, late responses for no reason bc i reply to the second unless im not on my phone which rarely. but yea idk ig i just got tired and annoyed especially bc i knew it idk why i went with it, im good with being friends with him but not to try anything romantic related again. so on sunday i woke up to all these thoughts after him not responding the night before and i just had to face the truth smh 😔🤦‍♀️🙄 but i still very much like Giggles i know i know its not the best thing to say rn due to his current situation but guys idk this has been genuinely the only guy i've ever truly liked my romantic experiences have always felt the same, heavy, foggy , confusing, complicated, anxious, forced, uncomfortable, lack of trust, and having a deep feeling of knowing its the wrong person for you or knowing that it won't work out yet ignoring it. this was the first time that it was completetly different, the energy was very light, comfortable, cozy vibes, the color light blue, very flowing, right, pleasant, clear, perfect example would be this one close your eyes, u go into your bedroom, bed is made with freshly clean bed sheets, the air is cold very chilli, you are wearing the best comfy hoodie ever with the best pajama sweatpants, u snuggle into your bed and get cozy with your fav blanket, lights are dim or just tv lights, you are watching your fav comfort show or movie while its raining in the background and u eat your fav food ever and then u take an amazing refreshing nap and wake up very cozy and comfortable. well that's deadass how it felt girl he was also the first boy ever to invite me on a date anyways also i know what i mentioned on the crush psychosis entry ab getting over it in like 2 days, i don't think i explained that correctly, i meant that i have always grieve a heartbreak for a really long time and since this was actually the first time i genuinely like someone it was very surprising to me that i did not grieved it for long in matter of fact i got this sense of tranquility, i feel very relaxed and confident and trusting about it and i don't know why, the best as i can explain it is like a wave and being guided by a current yet i feel like the emotions of tranquility, confidence and trust are not coming from me but from something else ik it's sounds like "girlllll bffrrrrr u are just in love"🙄 but girlllll i swear idk and idk how to explain it either and ik it's gonna sound SO cliche but i actually have never felt like this GUYS I KNOW THIS SOUNDS SOOOOO BASIC OMG SO CRINGE IK IKIKIK 😭 its a very different and interesting feeling that little heartbreak moment needed to happen tho bc i everytime i start liking someone my 100% focus, energy and thoughts is/for them, like i totally forget that i also have a life and that i need to constantly put as much energy into myself too, so after the 2 days i was like "girl wtf are u doing go get your shit together you will figure this out later" and so thats what i did i got my shit together now what🙄 i feel like im waiting yet i dont feel like im making myself wait im just like naturally waiting, it sounds like bullshit all of these ik but girl i dont understand it either ik it sounds so fake but it's really not!!😭 idk how to explain this connection did showed me many things one of them being the most important thing that it could have shown me that was my own self worth, it was so good i could not believe it was lit happening to me, over the past 3 years i've focused on my inner healing 100000% thats why i completetly disconneceted with my love life and making connections, i've worked so hard and manifested what i want into my love life, i have a list/test of characteristics that i want in a partner and it goes in detail to every single thing, i also have specific detailed rules. this guy checked off almost all if not all of the boxes, it was insane, so having that manifestation come to life in a way was like there's no way this is real and ofc self sabotage was a challenge, at times made me question if i truly deserved what i was experiencing, which i now know that i do 100% and that im so worthy for a connection/person like that especially bc of all the hard work that i've put on myself these past years but yea guys 🙄 ig we'll see, i'll keep you guys updated! 😛 ( for giggles only: giggles imy 😛 u are mad goofyy 🤭🤣😂😛 thank you, keep boybossing ily king 💋 ) pls come back 🤭😅 -mariahcareyxoxo